My first *attempted* threesome(s)
I was trying this stuff before TikTok
Gia slams down another shot of tequila. She leans over and kisses with her whole mouth and some of her teeth too. “My boyfriend is coming to visit from Cornell next weekend” she says. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. She pulls the cover over us, climbs on top of me, and comes down for another kiss. She slides her pale hands all over my body. They pretty much glow in the moonlight. I giggle because I know what she’s implying with that question and she copies me because she’s nervous about how I’ll react.
“My place or yours?” I ask.
“I don’t think my twin bed will fit the three of us” she laughs.
Gia and I had been hooking up throughout the semester with the approval of her long distance boyfriend. At the time I didn’t identify as bisexual but rather as someone who was sexually but not romantically attracted to woman (riiiight). It was 2015, I was twenty and just beginning to untangle the infinite ball of yard that makes up the queer identity I am still discovering at 30.
It’s Saturday after finals week before winter break and I spend the entire day packing to head home to Costa Rica for the month. I stuff the last bikini I can fit into my suitcase as the doorbell rings. I open the door and there he is. Exactly what you would imagine a senior ivy league athlete to look like. He hands me a bottle of tequila and smiles. I go in to greet Gia and we hug like sorority girls. It’s awkward in a cute way.
“What’s with all the luggage” he asks.
“Oh, I have a flight to Costa Rica in the morning. I actually need to call a cab at 5am” I hesitate.
Gia cracks the bottle open, “Let’s get to it then!”
We spend 3 hours and every last drop blasting music and talking about anything and everything else except what we knew we were all there for.
Gia jumps on top of me and whispers in my ear that it’s time. We start taking each other’s clothes of. We’re both adding in theatrics for what we think is the pleasure of our witness. She pulls him into us and I’m lost between the alcohol, moans and bodies.
When I find the room again Gia is in my arms and her boyfriend is sitting in the corner of the bed. He’s distraught, removed. I thought we had just given him the experience of his boyhood dreams but I don’t think those typically end in tears and total shut down. But who am I and what do I know?
I get up and see it’s 4:45am, time to go. I throw on my tiger onesie and usher them out of my apartment.
I land in the heat of the tropics with a hangover from hell. My mom picks me up and I sweat out the booze in the car on the hour long ride home. I check in with Gia the second I have wifi and she lets me know that her boyfriend is upset because he felt ignored, left out and jealous. We laugh and roll our eyes.
Gia and her boyfriend break up months later for a myriad of reasons. We continue to meet up, get drunk and have sex through senior year. We attempt our threesome format with no changes, adjustments or conversations with my next two boyfriends. All of which yield (you guessed it) the exact same results: both of us pleased, a boy in tears, her annoyed, me confused, and all three of us more disconnected than before we jumped into bed.
It took three completely failed attempts and a move across the country before I would have my first threesome that ended in deeper understanding, connection and love… years later.
I went into these situations without the kind of tools, support and honesty that intimacy needs in order to flourish. I knew I was chasing desire and I knew I wanted to feel pleasure. I didn’t create a safe container for those pieces to be explored and felt for myself or the others joining me. I wasn’t moving from love or connection and I was too unconscious to understand that’s exactly why I was left feeling empty.
I often think about how beautifully those moments would have unfolded if I had the right guidance, resources and relationship with myself. Simple conversations, clear questions and patient understanding could have completely flipped the outcome. While going in blind can add the thrill of mystery, I’ve often found the pain and hurt is worth the little effort it takes to achieve the opposite.
So, I’ve become the the person I wish I could have turned to to help me with those things back then.
My Intimacy Coaching practice is a place to explore the wild forest that is your unique sexuality. We work to understand your unique ecology to foster an environment that can hold expanded sensations of pleasure, joy, and connection. In this space we traverse the landscape of your being to create a map of your sexuality, fertilize the soil of your soil to nurture what’s been cast aside, and cut away overgrowth to let the light shine on your withheld desires.
More practically, I help individuals and couples+ of all genders and orientations with
Self-Intimacy & Sexual Embodiment – Cultivating a relationship with body, emotions, and eroticism. Creating a relationship with pleasure and desire.
Couples & Relational Work – Strengthening communication, intentional touch, and reawakening to pleasure. Support with ENM, queer lifestyles and kink.
Conscious Connection & Energetic Alignment – Heart-centered exploration of desires, boundaries and fears.
Healing & Re-enlivening – Unraveling societal conditioning, releasing shame, and unmasking for a liberated, embodied experience of intimacy.
My approach to Intimacy Coaching is rooted in feeling first. We build your independent foundation so you remain your own center of gravity through all of life’s terrain. In order to go deep with another, we must dive into the self first. To become present with another’s body, we must practice presence with our own. Learning how to hold another requires that we practice with ourselves.
You can explore more about my work here.
You can reach out for packing and pricing details or book a discovery call here.
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